Stop the Insanity!

The following two passages could serve as bookends to my life, my recovery, and this experiment.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

(Benjamin Franklin)

(Insert Deity/Idol), grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

(Alcoholics Anonymous, The Serenity Prayer)

In order for this blog to work at all, I have to contribute virtually every day. And in my opinion, to be truly valuable to others, I should be making my most significant contributions on the days that I am least likely to do so; when I am at my weakest, down and unkempt, fighting my thoughts and my internal battles.

Many months into this exercise, it is quite clear that this just isn't going to happen. I can see the repetitiveness of my attempts and the insanity of expecting any change in my behaviour. And whether out of wisdom, frustration or sheer exhaustion, I accept the fact that this is one of those things about me that I cannot change.

So, at least a little bit wiser and saner, I bring this blog to a close and wish everyone battling addictions and everyone fighting for their mental health, the best of luck and an end to feeling alone.

For now anyway....

Depression: Just Another Addiction?

Came out of group therapy today with a real gold nugget, a theory thrown out to the group by the other engineer (read: left brain) in the room. I’ve had good group meetings before, but this is the first one that really left me thinking differently about my mental health situation (namely depression and anxiety). Better I’m not sure, but certainly through a new lens.

Now, being honest with yourself... posing these questions about your depression, wouldn’t your answer be the same as they would be for a crack addict, an alcoholic or a gambler?

I say yes. Now what does that say about how we treat depression? Are we on the right track? And an even tougher question...is rThe theory: That depression is just another addiction, a lifestyle we may not have chosen deliberately, but to some degree have chosen to retain; that depression meets the definition of addiction by virtually every measure:

• Does it control your day to day activities?
• Can you stop it? Can you control it or does it control you?
• Has it negatively affected your friends, family, job, finances?
• Does it define where you go and with whom you interact?
• Is it always on your mind?
• While wanting out, aren’t you actually afraid (if even minutely) of being better?
• Can you imagine getting through a day without it?
• Did it start off small and grow out of hand?
• Have you or do you still deny how serious the problem is?

Few could dispute that these questions essentially define what addiction is, and their answers tell you if you’ve got an addiction problem.

Now, being honest with yourself... posing these questions about your depression, wouldn’t your answer be the same as they would be for a crack addict, an alcoholic or a gambler?

I say yes. Now what does that say about how we treat depression? Are we on the right track? And an even tougher question...is recovery a lot more in our hands than we’ve believed/been led to believe until now?

Some News Better Than No News

Yet again I've let this little project - what is supposed to be helping me in my recovery - lapse; this time it's been more than 4 months since my last post or tweet. As I said in a post earlier this year, no news means bad news...and these past months have proven little exception.

Bad news includes: plenty of sometimes nasty but necessary fights with my wife, unnecessarily losing my temper with my kids (nothing threatening by any means, but it pisses me off), virtually zero progress on the job hunt and many whole days , no job hunt progress, abused meds, whole days spent on the couch or in bed.

On the other hand, good news I've got to remember includes: I'm still with my wife and two boys, I'm fairly sure my wife still loves (and not just tolerates) me, I'm essentially smoke free and have started the long and (I fear) painful process of getting off of methadone, and my sister (after I finally came out of denial about not needing help) is helping in a big way in starting my job hunt for real.

The whole point of this blog (well, half of it at least, the other being to share my experiences with others) was to help me in my recovery by providing me with a regular routine, an always accessible outlet for getting things off my chest that I can't with friends or family, an ongoing record of my progress (and setbacks) and more.

But for it to work in any of these capacities effectively, the key words are regular, routine, ongoing, consistent, etc. I've got to type something on these pages...even a single sentence...every day, or at least close to it. Without doing so, not only will it be of little help to me, but as any blog expert will tell you, it won't serve its other purpose (the sharing part) because I won't have any readers.

Like so many other aspects of my life, I know what I've got to do. It's not hard to do. The benefits are multi-fold and the requirements are simple. The question is...can I do it?

PS...I can't help but ask, if I can't manage a committment as minor as this, what does that say about my committment to recovery? Can you feel the self-confidence oozing from my every pore?