Slow Start to the Year

The recovery project isn't over...it's just been a slow start to 2010, a really slow one.

On the one hand, I can`t believe that January is almost over and I`ve got virtually nothing to show for it - in terms of finding a job, getting taxes done, getting healthier and more.

The seasonal job I landed in December ended up netting me less than $100, and I didn`t make the cut to ongoing part-time. Realistically I`ve got to get out of the house to do anything productive, but I keep telling myself I just need today at home to psych myself up, to catch up on sleep, whatever. And up until the other day - and even then, because of my dad`s girlfriend virtually physically leading me through it - I hadnt done a single thing to move forward on my years` overdue taxes, the bane of my existence for years and the potential fatal stress to my marriage.

On the other hand, days and weeks themselves seem to be agonizingly long, largely because I keep staying at home by myself.

I know being alone is dangerous to addicts (hungry, angry, lonely and tired are the big triggers from AA I believe) and from the last month I`d say definitely with depression too. Being alone leaves me alone with my thoughts, which all too often circle back to my failures, my losses, what a bad guy I am, when my wife is going to tell me it`s over, or (worse for me, better for her) that she`s met a guy that gives her happiness and pampering, not stress and dissappointment...a.k.a. generally feeling sorry for myself.

`Can`t you channel that anger or sadness into being productive?`my friends or family often ask. Obviously not. I wish.

What I can do is relapse, back to the self-medication approach. To my credit, not only have I stayed away from the crack and Oxy (albeit with help from methadone), but I`ve only had a couple of drinks, and a handful of days of smoking, since the new year. But what I have done is snort my way through my last prescription of Wellbutrin, and counteract it with my month supply of Clonazepam, in a matter of days. Next time will be different, I mean it this time...

I keep telling myself that I just need a bit more time, a bit more rest, or that tomorrow will be the day I start working as soon as I get up. Time`s up, and something`s got to change. Some I know and I just keep putting off; some I think I know but simply can`t accept; some I guess I just don`t have a clue.

Hopefully this blog will help me find the answers.